Community: Real Life

Living with self-harm

Leanne, who started cutting herself when she was 13, describes what it's like to live with a partner who's also affected by self-harm.

The first time

Living with self-harm

I'd had an argument with my Mum and was in my room listening to music. There were some nail scissors on the floor and I just picked them up and started scratching at my wrists. I did it over and over again in the same place until it became numb and started to bleed.

I wet some tissue and pressed it against the cuts, because they burnt, and it was the best feeling in the world. Suddenly everything was calm. You get addicted to that feeling because right then there is nothing else in the world that matters. All you can feel is the soreness on your skin and the cold water dripping over your wrist. Your brain stops for a moment.

Since then I've self-harmed a lot - mainly when I'm stressed or feel numb and disconnected from everything around me. Sometimes I feel I need to hurt myself because I can't express what's inside. I used to be able to cry but recently, even when I'm screaming inside, I somehow can't let it out. I cut myself to try and relieve the pressure but it never really works. Self-harming makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed. It's a vicious circle, because feeling like that makes me want to hurt myself even more.

My Mum thinks I stopped doing it when I was 15. I'm 19 now. I think she must have some idea but I don't think she really wants to understand.

My girlfriend

Even though we don't talk about it, my girlfriend knows I self-harm. She self-harms too but I don't think we romanticise it. I feel close to her because I love her.

Our relationship has given me experience of the other side of self-harm - the impact it can have on those around you. I'd like to be able to tell her how much I worry about her but so far she's not been willing to talk about it.

Getting help

No one can be forced to get help for self-harm - you have to decide for yourself. But it's really important to stay safe and to try and find ways to talk to someone.

Interviewed by Monica Perdoni


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