Impossible boyfriends
We know the male of the species has a lot to learn, but really...
Q1: What have you done with my keys/mobile/favourite shirt/socks/remote control?
You know full well that you haven't been near them yet you also know you'll get no peace until you miraculously dig it out from under the sofa, in the drawer, or their coat pocket.
Fool answers:
- Where ever you left it/them imbecile;
- I'm not your mother;
- I rammed them up your arse - which is why I can't hear you.
Q2: Have you come yet?
Some women will see this as a show of their man's affection, other's may want to strangle him for being so dumb.
Fool answers:
- You mean you don't love me enough to have noticed?
- Since when did you care? You must be shagging someone else.
Q3: How many lovers have you had?
Obviously he just wants a confidence boost, and doesn't want to know you've slept with all the football teams in the UK. Secretly he hopes the answer is "Oh honey, you're the first...".
Fool answers:
- I'm a sex columnist and your inadequacies in the sack will be publicly announced every fortnight;
- 57689, you?
- I lost count after the first month;
- None, and I don't plan on having any, ever.
Q4: How was it for you?
Now hopefully he is asking this in a joking manner, and he knows it was good, for both of you. However usually this question is a pre-empt to a much-needed ego massage so it's probably not a good idea to trample all over him. Be a little tactful if it was, frankly crap, and next time try and guide him to what you do like.
Fool answers:
- You have to ask? Now that's not a good sign is it?
- I've had better;
- Well if you really want to know it was fairly ordinary and verging on dull.
Q5: Was I better than your last lover?
My he is feeling inadequate isn't he? He isn't asking this to get a true answer, he just wants some reassurance. This is the question that on absolutely no occasion do you say "No" to. Lie and lie well, and don't give a blow by blow account of all your previous sexual activity.
Fool answers:
- No;
- Actually you're the worst lover I've ever had;
- Why, am I better than yours?
Q6: Where did you learn to do *that*?
He more than likely doesn't want an answer to this, so best to ignore him and smile rather than give one of the following responses:
Fool answers:
- Your best mate suggested I try it last night while you were at the pub...by the way he's much better in the sack;
- In my previous line of work.
Q7: Do you mind if I go out with the lads/ the lads come round?
No win here, if you say yes, he'll stay in but sulk and be such a sod you wish he'd just bloody gone, if he goes you'll be left with the amazing night you planned completely wrecked unless you have the sense to invite your mates over and have fun anyway.
Fool answers:
- Sure if you don't mind me calling you Snugglebum all night and regaling the lads about your lack of sexual prowess...
- That's fine, do you mind if I go out with my ex? Yes, the one who still loves me.
